Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in bryce_the_great's LiveJournal:

Monday, November 14th, 2005
1:29 am	tomorrow i have a thought... but i will write it tomorrow... as the night wears on, my eyes draw shut... good dreams (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
10:09 am	the reconnection convention Ok, so out of the the blue my pasat catches up with me.... not sure how i feel about that one. Ya see, the joys of facebook, myspace and others is that no matter how hard you try, you're always found. I had a really rough time in high school... you see i made a bunch of really grave decisions involving a reelationship that forced me into isolation, which wasn't all bad. Actually, at the time, that's how i wanted things. But the problem came with the end of the relationship, as now i was alone on my own. Rather than going back and admitting my folley to all my old friends, i simply packed up and made new ones. I'm in college now and have been for a full year. I have made a new life for myself and done pretty well at that. But in recent days, out of the blue, comes charging back to haurnt me, my past; revitalized and ready to go. I wasn't ready for this, but in the last week or so most of my friends from the highschool days have contacted me via facebook or myspace. These are the people i left behind and wrote off for a girl who it never would have worked out with anyways... all that to say this. I have been dumbstruck. Not because they found me, but because after what i've done to them, they still want to be friends... and that's amazing. Sometimes i struggle with anger, and frustration, and other times bitterness, or worse, numbness. But Almost without exception, i suffer with cynasizm and depression. I wonder if i'll be missed if i died tomorrow, and if i've ever made a difference in anyones life. And this simple gesture, of "facbook forgiveness" has given me a new , subtle, bounce in my step... enjoy P.S. please dont everyone who reads this send me messages about how i've "impacted you life" or "how much i mean to you" cause i don't really want to know. I wrote it cause it's true, not because i wanted to hear about me..... please..... i beg you...... dont Current Mood: waking moments (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
9:25 am	bottoms up to the dawn... it's 9:30, on a thursday morning, and i can't keep my eyes open. Sadly, due to the socio-political structure which is America u have to, I'm at work. I feel like ranting about something and this seemed as good a topic as any. Dude, i totally ahvn't slept in too many days. I've been so busy and had soo much on my mind for the last week or so. I've totally neglected certain important things like eating and sleeping for the sake of what, academic pursuit?.. i think not. Also i've totally neglescted my friends this week b/c i havn't had the time to make so much as a phone call to say, "hey, yeah, i'm still alive." The problems faced of a college student. As one can clearly tell, i have nothing of importance to say right now, so here's my schedule. Today i have work until 2 and then class from 2 to 3:15. Then i need to run over and talk to my academic advisor b/c i'm supposed to register for classes tomorrow. Then later tonight i need to plan a moment where i can simply breathe, and maybe call a person or two back. THEN up warly tomorrow morning to start my day with oh so fun registration process. Tomorrow night i'm going to a dance thing, just so i have a valid reason to not go to CRU... it's horrible i know. Then my weekend ends as i have to get back to finishing a million things before monday. Then another busy week and another one after that. I'm really starting to look forwards to Thanksgiving when i can just sit in my room and do nothing for a few days... doing nothing is completely under-rated. And that's that... sorry for wasting your time, i'll try not to do it again, but i make no promises or presupositions as to what th future of my bloglife entails. later Current Mood: none.... i have no mood (Comment on this)
1:34 am	a fresh post for beans today... we have laid to rest a good friend who halth walked many a mile in my shoes.... as a matter of fact... they are my shoes. On this day, Nov 10, in the 2005th year of Jesus Christ our Lord, Berky and Perky have been placed aside and set free. They are in a better place and are now in a higher plane of existance. It was an emotional day as Bryce shed a tear for is good firends.... goodbye Berky, goodbye Perky... you were good and faithful friends, and shoes. With that being said... i have no shoes... please contribute to the "Bryce Needs New Shoes to Save the World Fund." The world depends on you... and so do my feet. thanks Current Mood: silly Current Music: sex an candy, why not (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
11:37 am	pointless ramble My internet is down which has made using this thing really difficult. The other thing is i've gotten into the busy part of my week and don't have time to think or eat, let alone type my life out for the world to read.... which no one reads i'm sure. so what's my deep thought of the day? Well, i have concluded that I am content. I am happ with who and where i am. Now whether or not this is actually a deep thought is debatable. But i have found that The Father had brought me into a place where i'm ok with everything. Sure there are things that still bother me, and there most likely always will be, but overall i'm ok. I'm finally feeling again too. For the longest time, or for that better part of a year at least, i was totally numb. I had no feelings, no emotion, nothing, but now i am. I can feel my heart flutter when i'm around certain people and i feel affection, and attraction and hate. And it is a wonderful thing. Its so refreshing to be able to get mad at someone (not that i'm just going around looking for people to be mad at, but i could get mad if i wanted to). ok, so....this is ramble, and if you couldn't already tell I have nothing of significance to say this morning. I have not yet had my quite time and thus, i've got nothing for you.....and......i just woke up, the gears aren't really turning yet. Check in later for something of substance (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
11:36 am	the voice of God tonight i went to church and had the opportunity to hear from the Father in a fresh way. This is what he said. "I will fill you up. I will touch the top of your head and my spirit will permeate down into your soul and drip out the bottom of your feet. This run off with fill the nations, but you need to humble yourself before me and live walk in humility all the days of your life. I will be enough, but bring your heart before me and worship" that is mostly so that i don't forget what He said, but enjoy and do what you will with it. Blessings (Comment on this)
11:35 am	Psalm 44:6-7 "For I will not trust in my bow, Nor shall my sword save me But you have saved us from our enemies." David was called a "man after God's own heart" by the Father, and for good reason. David had something that most of us don't have, but could if we wanted to. There was something special shared between David and the Father, and that was intamacy. Throughout his life David was pursued, afflictied and attacked both in the physical and spiritual realms. And although at times we see David's frusteration about his enemies, he always comes back to the same conclusion, "God, I trust you to fight my battles for me, and i'm going to hide in the shadow of your wings." David realiezed the awesome power of God and exercised it in his life by simply getting out of the way God. And i believe that the Father wants us to have that level of trust, such a level of faith that we will get out of the way of the hand of God. For me, i struggle with the daily. I find myself praising God wholeheartedly when everything is ok, and even good, but as soon as something goes bad I grab onto it an try to make it better. This is in effect saying "God, back off... i can do this better than you"...... which by the way i can't. so in the end i make a huge mess and end up calling on God to fix everything anyways. David learned from a very young age to step off an let the Father do his thing. In present times we don't have enemies that are physically pursuing our lives, but there are very real spiritual anemities that are looking to claim us. it's so cliche but we are living in a spiritual warzone, and most of us don't even recognize it. But for the decerning heart, we need strength not to fight the enemy, but to humble ourselves before God and let Him do the fighting. This is my greatest struggle. As soon as we can trust our Father to protect us and defend us, THEN will he bring us to a new level of intamacy with him, and we will start to see in ourselves the heart of David May the Father bless overly and abundantly any one who reads these words today. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 8th, 2005
11:35 am	ouch my heart hurts today.... I'm tired, not of sleep depravation, or loss of appitite, but i am tired of circles. My head says yes while my heart says no, and then vice versa, and then versa vice again. I wish for just once what i wanted and what i was wanted by would line up, and maybe for once i could experience relaxation. night (Comment on this)
11:34 am	A perpetual state of disillusion i have come to find myself in a perpetual state of disillusion where what i want some how crosses lines with what i need. I feel like the only way i can survive is to get what i want when usually it's quite the opposite and what i want is what needs to be alliviated (sp) to ensure my survival. Its a funny thing, and the creative mind never seems to help the situation either. I find myself reading deeply in to conversations that we've never had san my mind and being hurt by what you said, or didn't say. And this hurt permiates my soul and down into the center of my being, and i break down... but you never know that because i never let you see that. instead i smile, and laugh, and play silly games when i don't feel like doing any of those things.... but honestly, sometimes its less painful to just hide the pain rather than explain to everyone what's wrong. That's another thing, i hate that question "what's wrong?"... EVERYTHING MORON. To which, as i've expressed before, they'll bob their head with a solemn look on their face and tell me that they understand.... ok, if you say so... The truth is I'm generally a very happy person and the reason i can be so "carefree" is i release my darkness in private. this is the darkest part of me, the part that i can't express to any one human or they will turn and run away. I have depth to my soul and am haunted my many things. But the light of life is in my eyes, and my overflowing joy is usually visable and apparent.... this is my dark place... every morning i wake up and express before God and man the deepest places of my heart and hope that one day i will meet someone who reads this and says "i love you anyway" (Comment on this)
Friday, October 7th, 2005
11:33 am	chuch So as it turns out, the human body can only handle so much stress before it totally breaks down. If you've been reading my life lately then you know that i have been in a huge way stressed out beyond all belief.....and how does it come out.... in reverse consumption... vomitation. Somehow the body releases stress by letting food out the same way it went in. I'm so tired, so worn out, so beat down, so confused, so lost in thought that i don't even know what to do, but my body does... hurl. I suppose that its a strange metaphore for life. We go about out business like nothing's wrong even though we tie our stomachs in knots and eventually it all comes out.... literally and metaphorically.... wow... talk about ramble. good night life is short.... it's almost over, so take a breath and breath out your remaining life, and die. Have a great rest of your life. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
11:32 am	Thoughts.... mushy thoughts the heart is a funny thing. You seem to hate it when it's working right and you're falling all over yourself, but and as soon as it stops working and you learn to distance yourself from everything you hate it again. I can't figure it out. My heart aches when i'm lonely and when i've got a woman in mind.... why is it so. this may just be a shallow attempt at being deep, but i can't stand it any more. I want for nothing more to be able to fall asleep at night without someone on my mind and in my dreams. I want to be able to sleep through the night again without waking up wishing that i was next to someone. The other day a someone told me how they can't wait until they'll be able to go to bed with their spouse and know that in the morning they'll still be there, and every morning after that too. And you know what, it really got me thinking about myself and how i'm in the same place. I can't wait to find my wife. I can't wait to look into her eyes and tell her how beautiful she is. I can't wait until i can rest easy knowing that the woman in my life will always be with me. So again i say, my heart hurts. It hurts when i'm happy and when i'm sad. It hurts me when i'm by myself and when i'm with someone..... it hurts, and it will continue to hurt until i find the wearer of my ring. To my wife: I love you, i miss you and i can't wait until we can be together. I think about you all the time and you are always in my prayers. I pray that the Father would bless you and keep you preserved for me in every way. But if by chance there have been mistakes, there's forgiveness to accompany it, and never let your past hinder your futuer. I love you so much and i can't wait until i'm with you and i know that you are with me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
11:29 am	Conclusions SO, i'm feeling better today... I have concluded that i need some time, so in the interest of self preservation i'm gonna fall off the grid.... again.  Old tricks die hard.  I hate it when i do this, and i hate even more that i can't stop.  I suppose its my defence mechanism.  So i'll disappear until i feel ready to rejoin society.  I wish i could understand why i am the way i am.  and i wish that i knew how to explain my self to people, or better yet that they just knew without me saying a word.  Every day that i wake up i feel rejection.  For whatever reason i feel different, and set apart not just from the world but from other Christians as well.  I guess i ascribe to the "spiritual savant".... in all humility.  Actually, i think i'd rather not relate to that, and sometimes i wish i could just blend in the the multitude of christians who go about their lives remembering the Father only sometimes.  I am though pleased to have been called to such a high calling, although i must walk for the most part in totaly solidarity.  I can only pray now for a woman, and a companion that can love me beyond my shortcomings and my spiritual distance and can understand my spiritual walk even is she does not ascribe to a similar one..... my peace is in the Father who is my refuge and my high tower against the principalities that seek to take my life.  I know that i have been called to walk in the place where the multitudes do not walk andthis is both my joy and my pain.  Every day O Father you show me your mercies and each morning when i rise you heap blessings upon my head.  I will rise to praise you every day of my life, with everything i am and every breath i take.  You are the reason i live and i pray you would draw me in closer to you that you might quench the fire that burns within my soul.  I am content to call myself your servant and will bow to worship you all the days of my life.  PRAISE BE THE THE LORD WHO SETS HIS HOLY BURDEN UPON THE NECKS OF THOSE WHO FOLLOW HIM......burden me more Father, and then provide me the grace to live with it.  Amen (Comment on this)